My Mind, My Brain, My Thoughts

4/29/12


I didn't particularly enjoy the sad direction this blog was taking, so I stepped away for a minute. I tried spending less time in front of the computer because I didn't want to spend my days looking at pictures of Jennifer and crying over how much I miss her. Best friends are so hard to find, and I've lost mine forever. For months I've been wanting to go back in time to tell her she wasn't alone, but I can't change what happened, and I can't make her come back, and I certainly could not have taken away the pain she was feeling. I'm starting to realize that.  It's been more than two months already, and with every passing day, I can still hear the sound of her unique laugh, and I can still see her bright smile and her pearly white teeth.

For weeks following Jenn's suicide, I found this space to be the only place where I could pour my feelings without feeling judged or ashamed of how I've felt, but it quickly began to feel like a space for tears and sorrow which isn't what I want for Paddle To Shore. So there, I stopped blogging so I could try and grieve in my own-personal way; this is something I've never had to do before. 

I'm pleased to write that I am finally starting to feel A LOT more like myself. I'm able to look back at all the wonderful memories and photographs I have with Jennifer and smile. I'm in high spirits more frequently, and I'm even laughing pretty hard these days which is a wonderful feeling. I will forever miss my Jennifer and that bond we so closely shared together, but I no longer want to feel angry or hurt. I want to think of her and smile, and I just want to remember all that was good between Jennifer and I. Kim. xo

12 comments:

mina said...

i'm so sorry you have to go through this. you know where i am if you ever need to chat - send me an email anytime. xo

Chantalle said...

I'm happy to hear you're feeling a lot more like yourself and that you're able to reflect back on happy memories more than the sad ones. Big hug.

Jenna E said...

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. xoxo

Nikolett said...

I think you needed that time to grieve; it's only natural that you would feel sadness but it's really good that you're feeling more like yourself and able to look at the happy memories and smile. Wish nothing but happiness for you and that your days will be full of smiles :)

amber lynn said...

its a unique process for everyone, grief. i have thought about you often, and prayed for you. so glad your spirits are lifting. i am glad you are able to smile about the good times again. love you!

BK said...

I'm glad to hear you are starting to feel more like yourself and that you are able to think of good memories between you and Jennifer!

Simply Valorie said...

I'm so sorry you've had to lose your best friend this way. It must be so tough. I'm glad you're starting to feel and do better though. Just keep on keeping on.

Crystalin said...

I am so glad you're feeling better. No one deserves to go through this, but I will say, I feel like I've gotten to know you through your grieving process (via this blog). You are a beautiful person and friend and I just wanted to say I hear you and I'm thinking of you.

Stay strong babe :)

Ariel Tyler said...

I've just stumbled across your blog and I wanted to say thank you for your words. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

Gaby said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling, and i think that pressing pause on your blog for as long as you need is a ok. Thinking of you x

janis said...

Kim, I am so relieved to hear that you are feeling more like yourself. You are so resilient + strong! I pray you continue to have good days in which you can remember all the happy times :) LOVE YOU! XOXOXOXOXOXO

ps. I've noticed those pearly white teeth in photos... Seriously! How did she have such nice teeth??!

ohbeautifulblog said...

wow i've just discovered your blog and wanted to compliment you about the beautiful photos, but now i read that you are going through such a difficult time. i am sorry for your loss.