I didn't particularly enjoy the sad direction this blog was taking, so I stepped away for a minute. I tried spending less time in front of the computer because I didn't want to spend my days looking at pictures of Jennifer and crying over how much I miss her. Best friends are so hard to find, and I've lost mine forever. For months I've been wanting to go back in time to tell her she wasn't alone, but I can't change what happened, and I can't make her come back, and I certainly could not have taken away the pain she was feeling. I'm starting to realize that. It's been more than two months already, and with every passing day, I can still hear the sound of her unique laugh, and I can still see her bright smile and her pearly white teeth.
For weeks following Jenn's suicide, I found this space to be the only place where I could pour my feelings without feeling judged or ashamed of how I've felt, but it quickly began to feel like a space for tears and sorrow which isn't what I want for Paddle To Shore. So there, I stopped blogging so I could try and grieve in my own-personal way; this is something I've never had to do before.
I'm pleased to write that I am finally starting to feel A LOT more like myself. I'm able to look back at all the wonderful memories and photographs I have with Jennifer and smile. I'm in high spirits more frequently, and I'm even laughing pretty hard these days which is a wonderful feeling. I will forever miss my Jennifer and that bond we so closely shared together, but I no longer want to feel angry or hurt. I want to think of her and smile, and I just want to remember all that was good between Jennifer and I. Kim. xo