In Loving Memory

2/23/12


on february 19, my best friend jennifer passed away, she was only 26 years old. jennifer was equally beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. she was my best friend for many reasons, but the two most obvious reasons were the laughter and love we shared when we were together. i loved her so much, and I know with all my heart that she loved me just as much.  I am so sad to say that jennifer committed suicide. I've been in absolute shock since the moment I heard. I still don't fully believe that she is gone, and that she would ever do this to herself. She was so beautiful and so young. Why did she want to leave me? I just don't understand. Jenn had a great job, a beautiful condo, and she was getting ready to move in with her bf, it just doesn't make any sense to me.  I've never felt this way before. I feel empty, and I feel so lost knowing she's no longer here. there are moments where I just can't help but blame myself, I mean, how could I not have known how deeply depressed she was? why didn't I fly home more often so I could be with her? how come I didn't ask her more questions? she was such a bright light in my life, and i just can't believe she's gone.


i love you, jenn
forever and always 

27 comments:

Liliana Costa said...

ohh this is so hard dear. It's like I can even feel it myself. You looked so happy together.
Don't blame yourself, you were her best-friend and I'm sure that she was happy to have met you.
She was really beautiful and I'm sad that such a young person has giving up on life. I almost did it myself at 22, and know one would knew about why, but it's just I couldn't express myself for some months. Only when I recovered I start talking with my best friends.
She will always always live inside of you, being the brightest start to light your way.

nicole addison said...

oh hun i am so deeply sorry to hear this. i wish there was something i could say to make this easier but i know there is nothing. just know im praying for you as im sure a lot of other people are. cherish the time you guys had together and do not blame yourself. i had a friend who's family member commited suicide and it drove her mad to think of reasons why. she sounds like a beautiful person and she cherished and loved the life she did live. sending you a hug. xo

Barbiekayle said...

I saw your comment on Joanna Goddard's blog and just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear about the loss of your best friend, what an awful thing to have to go through. I hope you can take comfort in this difficult time knowing that you shared lots of happy times together & your friend truly loved you and will be watching over you. I really hope you are ok, sending you a cuddle, love Kayley x

mina said...

I'm so sorry, Kim. This breaks my heart.

Anna Zimmerman said...

This is so terribly sad to hear. These pictures tell a wonderful story of your relationship with her. I hope you are able to find comfort in these images and realize how much she loved you. I'll be praying for her family, boyfriend, and you.

yiqin; said...

beautiful photos <3

Jewels said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I know this is a terrible time, I know all the feelings you have going through you mind.
A few years ago my cousin committed suicide and we were like best friends. It was the hardest thing in the whole entire world, it was the most I had ever cried. I cried so much that I could not cry anymore, and I felt bad that I could not cry anymore. For the next year I would just start crying at the simplest thing, and I had dreams about him, sometimes I just expected him to be places that he normally would be at, I thought I would see him when I was out and someone resembled him. There are so many questions that are unanswered and you must not put it on yourself. That is one of the worst thing. I know you want the answers to your questions.
It takes time to heal and you never really heal completely, you just sort of learn to bear with it, to cover it up if you will.
I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my prayers. I am truly sorry for your loss.

Bea, OT said...

I am so sorry for your loss. She is so beautiful. In the depths of depression, there is a lot of pain. Searing pain. She did not want to leave you, she simply wanted to end the pain. I hope you find some solace in your loss.

Rebecca said...

I am so sorry to hear about your this loss in your life. It is tragic and sad and won't be easy.

I lost my brother in July unexpectedly and you are right - it doesn't make sense and it feels really empty.

The post you put up in tribute to her is beautiful and touching. xo

another feather said...

my heart aches for you. I had a close friend commit suicide completely out of the blue when I was in highschool. He was only 16. It was the first funeral I'd ever been to, and it was the most terrible thing to go through. I completely understand the feeling of confusion and shock you are going through. I am so sorry for your lost. prayers sent your way. xx

Joelle :: Something Charming said...

I am so, so sorry love. I can't imagine the pain and confusion you're going through right now, but just know that you have people all over the world, who don't even know you personally, who are thinking and praying for you right now. I'll keep Jenn's family in my prayers as well.

Much love,
Joelle

Amanda Jane Jones said...

oh my...such sad news. I'm so sorry. You're in our prayers.

nancy said...

I am so, so sorry to read about this tragedy. I can't even begin to understand how much pain you are in, but know that you're in my thoughts.

erica marie said...

Kim, I'm so sorry to hear about the news of your best friend. I can't even imagine how you must feel but please don't blame yourself. Keeping you in my prayers and sending you lots of love.

xo erica

kelly ann said...

Oh Kim. My heart is breaking for you and everyone who loved her. Just from looking at these pictures, Jennifer seemed like such a precious, fun, and wonderful soul. I am sending you lots of love and hugs during this incredibly hard time. I've lost someone to suicide and I completely empathize with you right now - the feelings you're having are so, so tough and exhausting and confusing, and I'm just so sorry that you have to go through this. You're in my heart and my prayers, and I'm here if you need anything. <3

SARAH said...

How awful. I know stories like this happen every day, but still they're unbelievable. I wish there were answers to your questions.

"Sorrow makes us all children again, destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing." (Emerson)

haley said...

You will be in my prayers, I am so sorry this happened to you <3

Kelly said...

so sorry for your loss. thoughts and prayers to you.

Alex said...

I know I'm a little late, but I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a best friend, a soul mate, a partner in crime. My thoughts are with you as you take this time to heal.

Nicolette said...

I just read this post but it's completely heart breaking. I'm so sorry for your loss but don't blame yourself! I'm sure you were nothing but an amazing friend to her!
xo

Jenna E said...

my heart is aching for you. I am so so sorry for your great loss. I can't imagine what this would feel like. Sincerely thinking of you. All of my love, Jenna xoxoxoxxooxo

seekipsmile said...

my heart aches for you. i can't imagine what you're going through. know this, dear girl...you are being prayed for and thought of.

its not your fault. i know...because i was almost that girl who committed suicide despite having the best of best friends caring for me. she was 12 hours away, and we talked everyday...but i never opened that part of my life to her. i convinced myself that i was alone. Jesus rescued me & im eternally grateful that im still here. :)

press on, kim. you are in my thoughts and prayers. run to Jesus He will help you.

Ája said...

Love your photos!

http://godwholovestodance.blogspot.com/

Marie a la Mode said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. My best friend's very close friend committed suicide at the beginning of this year and nobody saw it coming. It was a shock to say the least and it's so hard not knowing the answers to all the questions everyone has. I'm giving you a big blog hug right now {{{{ }}}}} and hope the wonderful memory of your best friend will outweigh the pain you feel right now.

Han said...

I found your blog today. I'm so so sorry you lost your best friend :( HUGS.

Diana said...

I just found your blog and as I was looking through the posts, I saw this one. I felt compelled to respond, but don't have a blog to link back to. Anyway, I'm 24 years old and have had two failed attempted suicides within the past few years. I am blessed to be alive and thankfully, my life has changed. I have changed. I remember hearing a long time ago that people don't really want to die, they just don't want to feel the pain anymore. And as I read this, I looked back thinking that when I had been in that dark place, I thought I was the only one to know such sadness. But the truth is that darkness can touch anyone. It doesn't matter how loved you are, beautiful you are, smart you are... We are all susceptible to feeling alone, pained to wake up in the morning for fear that it won't be the better day that we're hoping for. And it can be this way even when we have people in our lives that love us. I don't know what it is like to be in your place because in my situation, I was on the opposite side. But know that you didn't fail your friend. I guarantee that Jennifer knew that you loved her. And she loved you. She didn't love you less or visa versa because you didn't know how she was feeling. Sometimes it is hard to express such sorrow and sometimes people hide it so as to protect others. The truth is, you won't ever be able to fully understand why she did what she did--I know firsthand because even as the one who attempted it, I don't fully understand it. But you will laugh again, you will feel complete again. Maybe not in the same way, but you will. You can let the beautiful memories you have of her life and your friendship shed light on the sadness you feel now. Jennifer is still a part of your life. Her beauty can be found in everyday things. Allow it. Cry if you need to and laugh if you want to. It doesn't mean you are going on without her, it means that you are allowing the memories to enrich your life and make you stronger as you move on. And she'd want that for you. Her life still matters and will be through you and other loved ones that she lives on.

I'm sorry for rambling, but I wanted to share that with you. I'll be praying for you. I pray that God comforts your heart as the days go on and that the good memories are always a source of joy for you.

Diana said...

And I'm so sorry for your loss.