Now

3/8/12


i've been on an emotional roller coaster for two weeks, now; there's no way i could have ever prepared myself for something so tragic. all I can do at the moment is try and focus on all the good moments shared with my best friend. i plan on resuming to regular blog posts in the next few days. it will definitely help me get back into the swing of things. thank you again for all the comments and prayers. xo

171 comments:

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine how much pain you're in. Stay strong.

isubisou said...

Life hurts, at least sometimes, but we must just through it. It'll be better, must be, always is. All the best for you!

Susannah said...

My heart breaks for you. I am sending you love.

Kayla said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Jessica said...

Wishing I could just envelop you in a hug so you could feel all the love being sent your way. Take as much time as you need to grieve as much as you need to.

Lesa said...

Kim--I had a friend take her life almost ten years ago now, and I know the pain is brutal...allow yourself to grieve, and pray continually! Celebrate the good times you had with her...

Praying for you as you begin the healing process...

firststarontheleft@gmail.com said...

Sending <3 & peace to fill the hole in your heart; it gets better :)

rumomma said...

I lost someone close to me to suicide when I was just a teenager.

The swirl of emotion is unlike any other loss I have handled to date.

You will find your strength. You will smile and laugh again. You will find courage in the relationship you two shared. You will heal. You will live on. You loss will come with you. But it will be a source of nurture, it will be a place to release tears, it will be a guide for you.

I send love and healing in bucket loads to you.

hope548 said...

So very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine all of the questions you must have and the emptiness you must face. Wishing you strength, peace, and comfort as you grieve for your friend.

Just Kerry said...

I cannot begin to express my sympathy for you... People will say good things and bad things about jen over time... both will hurt because you will feel both... Please know that you can get through this.. Time does heal... life does continue... And you can begin doing things for two.. You and Jen, Because you are that strong... Feel sad.. but not too long.. Cry it all out.. again and again... You can do this. Love and Light to you...You are not alone... From an Old survivor (read my story here http://apalpablelife.blogspot.com/2011/09/somewhere-between-guilt-and-gratitude.html)

Anonymous said...

I wish you peace and love. Your kind-heartedness shows, and I hope that you can get through this difficult time, and remember all the love that your friend gave you.

Anonymous said...

"What we do in times when there is no hope, defines who we truly are."

Positive Vibes and much strength to you.

D~

christin said...

so sorry for your loss. it's never easy to deal with something so saddening as this, i know, trust me. sending you hugs from NYC.

Anonymous said...

Really, really sorry to hear that :(
So much love and peace your way right now! x

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss.......never are there reasons for such tragic losses........I know how you are feeling......and my heart goes out to you. It will get a little easier to accept in time, but you will never, ever forget. Continue to focus on the good memories to help you get through this very sad time. I know we don't know each other, but I love you anyways!!!
(((((hugs)))))
Charlotte <3 <3 <3 :) :) :)

bootsineurope said...

I can't imagine how challenging things are right now for you. But make sure to take care of yourself. When you achieve simple things in the day you are doing great! There will be hours where you are see the light and feel the weight lift, the days, and then a whole week. I promise it will come. :) She was so blessed to have you in her life. I hope you get some peace from that. Hugs.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you strength and solice in the warm memories of your beautiful friend.

yogadanceflow said...

Dear Kim, I dont know you but I can feel you are going through something that I wish nobody had to experience, and I feel your pain and sorrow, and also your strenght and determination to keep on even if its the worst that could ever happend. I just want to let you know that Im thinking of you and that there are many out there in the world that do. All love and warmth, Anna

The VIKING!!! said...

Dear Kim,

The memories from your time with Jennifer will be yours for ever. Right now is hard, but it will be less painful in the future. The memories will stay this strong for good.

Sincerly,
Chris

Anonymous said...

Prayers for your heart....may you find peace.

Megan said...

I found you through LoveBomb and I just want to share my sympathy. It sounds like Jenn was in such a dark place that she didn't want to expose you to her pain. I can only imagine how hurt, angry and sad you must be feeling. You obviously brought a lot of joy to her life, and when time allows you to work through this pain you will have that knowledge to remember her with.

I recommend this book: "Aftershock: Help, Hope and Healing in the Wake of Suicide" by Candy Neely Arrington. I gave it to a friend whose husband committed suicide and she said it was hugely helpful in processing her feelings.

erika icon said...

Kim, I am so sorry to hear about Jenn. It must be very rough for you--I will chant for you (that's how we Nichiren Buddhists pray) and for Jenn, so her next life will be even more amazing. Stay strong and remember you're loved. :)

Anna said...

A million hugs as you try to find your way in this impossible time. My thoughts and love are with you and I hope that the beautiful times you and Jenn spent together will forever echo in your mind.

Mariel said...

I can’t imagine how tough this must be for you right now but remember that you are not alone and that the pain will pass. Although it may seem unfair, life can be this way to make us stronger. Maybe you will gain the strength to help someone in a similar situation in the future. All you can remember is that there is no one to blame. It’s such a blessing that you both shared a wonderful friendship and although we may not find any definite answers, know that love lives on. Love is always there. As long as you remember that, your friendship will live forever.

erika icon said...

I'm so sorry, Kim. I will chant (that's how we Nichiren Buddhists pray) for you and Jenn, so she'll have an even more amazing next life. Please take care of yourself.

Being Shaelicious said...

Hello, you don't know me, but I'm here to drop a love bomb on you from Harrisonburg, VA. I'm so very sorry to learn of your friend's suicide and the pain and questions left behind. Much love and hugs from me to you and many hopes of healing for all left behind.

Petra Raschig said...

Dear Kim,
The pain in your heart will ease. Your love for Jenn will never go away. When you loose someone to suicide, the questions never end for yourself. Please try and get through these days as best you can. I always feel as much as I need to, then slowly make my way back to life. There's no timeframe except the one you need to keep. Death is a reminder to us. Live our lives and love,love,love Kim. You can't change the past, or live in it. Please don't stay there. Jenn will always be with you for eternity. We are all one.
Namaste

Anonymous said...

Hello Kim ~ feel your feelings and live through them. Get up every morning and live it one day at a time, or one minute if that's what it takes. You are so loved Kim. Surrounding you with light and lifting you up out of the depths of grief . . .

LisaMK ~ LoveBomber

Being Shaelicious said...

Hello, you don't know me, but I am here to drop a love bomb on you from Harrisonburg, VA. I am so very sorry to learn of the suicide of your friend. Much love and hugs from me to you and many hopes of healing for those left behind.

Anonymous said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I have been through this myself and know the pain. Feel my arms and heart surround you with love and support~ You are loved... xoxo

Kathy Schneider said...

Sending love your way.

Blythe Plunkett said...

God bless you and all of those involved. You cannot blame yourself and we can all tell through your words, you would've done something if you could've. Pain can be so hard to bare that it can't be conveyed in the right way to garner help. She's shining down on you now and will always been your angel.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you but I can only imagine how hurt and sad you and Jennifer's friends and family must be feeling. Although you could not save her, I'm sure she knew how much all of you loved her. She will live in your hearts and I'm sure you will remember her always.

cjreinke said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and in my heart, Kim. Hugs to you.

Daniel said...

Sending you love and thoughts.

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I'm sending lots of love & prayers out for you.
Farrah

Anonymous said...

Stay strong *hugs* The pain will pass.

wewon31 said...

I'm so sorry to learn of your loss. I can't imagine what you are going through,I hope you find peace. Be strong and take care of yourself so the memory and legacy of your dear friend will live on. Sending prayers your way.

midoriajisai said...

Sadly I have been through this and I honestly still do not understand the reasons for such a tragedy. However I do know that I too had to grab hold to the sweet memories of our time together; remembering the laughter and silly expressions. Much prayer and great support helps to ease the pain. (Sending prayer up for you and hugs your way).

midoriajisai said...

Sadly I have been through this and I honestly still do not understand the reasons for such a tragedy. However I do know that I too had to grab hold to the sweet memories of our time together; remembering the laughter and silly expressions. Much prayer and great support helps to ease the pain. (Sending prayer up for you and hugs your way).

Julie said...

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I'm praying for peace in your heart and that you are surrounded by love. I pray that the happy memories drown the sorrow and that her joy in those moments will live on and outshine the sadness of this event.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that many are thinking of you and keeping you in their prayers.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that many are thinking of you and keeping you in their prayers.

Jorah Day said...

Kim-
I can only fathom how you must feel. But Love Bomb is here to do our best to help you through this time. The grieving process is fickle and harsh. I don't know if you're a girl of Faith, but I personally believe she will be with you, closer than ever, guiding you and watching over you until you meet again.

Death cannot break this bond.

Be kind to yourself, and talk to her often.
Love,
Jorah

Betty said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers over the coming months.

Nicole said...

So sorry for your loss - hopefully this love bomb helps make this time even a little easier for you. Have you considered doing a bit of grief counseling to help you process what happened?

Hang in there and lean on those around you for support!

Beckles said...

I'm keeping you in my thoughts. It's a lot to get through-losing a loved one that way. It will get easier eventually.

Sammy said...

Kim:
May you remember only the happy and beautiful moments you have shared. Stay strong, we are all in your corner.
Love bomber, Sam

Bird said...

Stay strong. As tough as things are, know that things will get better if you stay positive and focus on what you can control.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. I hope that you will always cherish your fond memories and that your heart will heal quickly.

Akshita said...

Stay strong, all things pass.

Lindsay (The Craftafarian) said...

*hugs* I'm so so sorry.

Meagen said...

I've never been where you are, and I can't even imagine. Prayers for you.

Anonymous said...

Offering a little bit of love at this time - nothing else will do.

cupitonians said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Lots of love and warmth.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your dearest friend. It breaks my heart to read about your pain. It is clear how loving a friend you were to her, and how she loved you in return. Depression is a terrible disease, but it does not diminish how much you loved one another. I hope you find peace and comfort through the pain. I'm sure your friend would want that for you.

sarahkocischeilz said...

Kim, thinking of you and sending sweet encouragement. Lean into the pain and grief and let yourself be surrounded by love. Praying that you will seek the light moments in the middle of the darkness. Stay strong, be courageous and don't give up.

"It's hard to beat a person who never gives up." - Babe Ruth

Anonymous said...

I hope things start looking up for you soon. You are beautiful. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

Part of the love bomb here--I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know if anyone can ever fully understand the reasons why someone chooses suicide, especially when they appear to have so much going for them. But I believe the way people live on is through the memories of the people who love them. I know your friend would not want you to torment yourself over what you could have done differently, she would want you to remember all the wonderful times you shared with her with joy in your heart that she was a special part of your life. Take care of yourself and let everyone you love know you love them whenever you can. And know many many people love you as you work your way through this grief.

Anonymous said...

There are alot of people who can understand and share your pain. Stay strong, everyones thoughts and prayers are with you.

Matt said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, Kim. We don't know one another, but I'm part of the Love Bomb crew.

I hope that the time comes quickly, when the memories bring sweetness more often than they bring tears.

Jonathan Ruth said...

Wow...so sorry for this struggle. That is a brutally painful loss I know. Allow yourself to grieve and your emotions to flow. Sending prayers and love your way, and hoping your heart and mind fill with peace and loving memmories of your times together. I know that's a big hole to fill, but I pray you will be able to fill it with something good.

- Jonathan

meg.livingston said...

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you - please know that you have people thinking about you from all over the world and sending you much love and strength. You are not alone xx

Anonymous said...

I am so deeply sorry for the immense pain you must be going through right now. I took a look at the pictures of you two and you look so close, like sisters, like two halves of a whole. I pray that God will give you the strength to get through this and will carry you though this difficult time. Prayers, LOVE and hugs from Green Bay, WI

Anonymous said...

Sending you love and light. You are doing a good thing by enjoying the now and happy moments with your friends. Remember that even though you may not have happiness for yourself right now, you can always give happiness to your friends by just being you. Stay strong and be positive, you will make it.

Nicole said...

Hi Kim,

You are so lucky to have a best friend, as they make the world such a brighter and easier place to navigate through. I stopped by here to send you a virtual hug, in hopes that you can gain some comfort in the coming days.

Know one thing...your best friend's memory lives through you and through her family. Take care of each other and you all can heal together.

There is a quote that I read every now and then that says...

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."

Remember the good times that you had with her and be happy that the both of you were able to be in each others lives for the time that you had with her.

Think about all of the things that she did or said that made you smile and vice versa. I wish you well during your time of grief and remember what you wrote in one of your earlier posts...

Things are always simple when the sun is shining.

If you keep that in mind when you remember her, she will never leave you. She's always be there when the sunshine greets you in each new day.

Sincerely,

Nicole from MadlabPost

Renee McGrath said...

There are no easy explanations for why bad things happen, and no words of comfort that can completely take away your pain. But I hope that you will take refuge in the love of friends and family and the kindness of strangers during this difficult time.

OhMyHeart said...

Kim, your love for Jennifer jumps off the page. I can't understand how painful it must be to feel like your love didn't get through to her, but I know she knows and feels it now.
Love, Emma

Tysha Stewart said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! May God comfort you during this time. It's not your fault. If you could have stop her, you would have! I love you.

Katie said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a best friend under any circumstances is tragic, but I can't imagine losing someone so young to suicide. Thinking and praying for you as you grieve.

Tysha Stewart said...

i'm so sorry to hear what ur going thru! I pray that God helps you thru this time! It's not your fault, if you could have stopped her, you would have! I love you. God bless.

Michelle and Piers said...

Wrap yourself in your memories darling and allow yourself the time and repose you need to heal. Sending you much love and peace at this tragic time xx

janis said...

big hug*

Anonymous said...

Kim,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. There was nothing more you could have ever done or said that would have changed this outcome. You helped her the most by just being her friend! I send you my sympathy prayers, and a hug.
Lu

MamaFeelgood said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your best friend. I can't imagine the amount of anguish you must feel. Please know that there are people that love you and need you. This will get better. One day you will be able to smile when you remember her.

ricketyjo said...

I'm really sorry for your loss. Lots of love,
Jo

Gail said...

Sending you prayers for peace. No words can bridge the hole in your heart right now, but may you find comfort in all the caring thoughts surrounding you.

Gail said...

Sending you prayers for peace. No words can bridge the hole in your heart right now, but may you find comfort in all the caring thoughts surrounding you.

bluegrassnotes said...

Sorry for your loss. Sending thoughts of light and love.

Anonymous said...

So sorry for your loss! I just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers too.
Anna

Anonymous said...

Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. I came here through Love Bomb but I also work for an agency who helps both people who are suicidal and those who are left behind if a loved one dies by suicide. I am sure you are left with a lot of questions about what was going on, why this happened... and the hard part is that for many people those questions aren't always able to be answered. The good news is that you are not alone. And When you are ready, there is a wonderful, supportive community of suicide survivors who are ready to be there with you as you move along through your grief. I am not sure where you are located, but you can find this wonderful community here:http://www.suicidology.org/web/guest/suicide-loss-survivors

You are not alone.
You are in my thoughts.
Elisabeth

notanillusion said...

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I've lost a Jennifer to suicide as well, and though it was over 10 years ago now, I think of her all the time with love and hope that she's found the peace she sought. I hope you find some peace, too. Sending lots of love in your direction!

Lloyd and Bonnie R. in California said...

Dear precious Kim,
When we suffered a deep loss, the best thing anyone told us, "Don't try to figure it out". Proverbs 3: 5-6 helped also. Jesus loves you and we love you.

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry for your loss. May you be blessed with precious memories, love and light. Take care and remember that you are in my prayers.

Stephanie said...

I am sending you a warm hug right now. I lost a friend in high school and it is very hard. Take care of yourself and know that all will be well. :)

Anonymous said...

Sending all my love from Bogotá, Colombia. I lost someone to suicide once and life fills up with questions. I know you're hurting and nothing makes sense, but someday you'll be in peace again, I promise. Please know that nothing you could have done would've changed things, don't blame yourself, embrace the times you had together, cry all you need and finally, start smiling again, for Jennifer and for yourself. Lots of love.

Lola said...

I am so incredibly sorry about your friend. I'm thinking of you, you'll get through! <3

Anonymous said...

Hey Kim,

Such a tragedy is always a mystery. It will never make sense. I'm praying for your peace today and for the road ahead. You are not alone.

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
- Khalil Gibran

Much love x x x

michelle said...

Hi Kim, Take each day one at a time, be good to yourself, and in your mind keep remembering all of the happy images of your friend. Thinking of you. Michelle

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss it can be so hard to lose somebody and go through so much pain- I will pray for you and for her. It is very difficult I know how life is a roller coaster. You will be in my prayers you are a very strong woman for going through this.

Anonymous said...

So sorry for your loss Kim <3 Much love to you during this difficult time... Stay as strong as you are able to, smile when you think of her and always cherish the time you were able to share with your beautiful friend. <3

Rachel said...

Kim,
I've never been in exactly your situation, but I've lost people close to me, so I at least have some idea of what you're going through. I'm praying that God will give you the peace that only He can provide during this time. I pray He will hold you in His strength and love and that you will know how much we are thinking of you. Lots of love!

Anonymous said...

Be kind to yourself right now, Kim. Take strength in knowing that you have lots of cherished moments with your friend to draw on that will see you through this temporary darkness.

Caroline said...

My heart goes out to you, as it is sooo hard to lose a friend and especially to suicide. The pain will never go away entirely, but time will help. It sounds like you're on the right track by thinking of positive memories. Keep your chin up!

Anonymous said...

As someone who lost my mother a few years ago, I can only imagine the horrible pain and loss you must be feeling without your best friend. I know this sounds cliche but I promise you it will get better. I'm not going to lie - it's going to suck for a long time; you're going to have awful days where the entire world seems hellbent on reminding you of your pain, but just wait. Soon those memories that trigger that familiar pain in your chest will lead to nostalgia, happiness, and a warm feeling of fondness that only happens when you remember someone you love. I swear you will get to that day... and when you do it will be one of the happiest moments of your life. I am wishing with all my heart that you find the strength to continue and get to that point, because I know you can. May you find peace.

Hugs,
Jess

Anonymous said...

Honor those memories, Keep pictures of her around, She will always be a part of you.... and you will go on, you will reach down deep inside of you and find the strength ... even if at your lowest times, you dont want you. You are SO loved.

Mia said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It's always hard to lose someone. Losing someone so unexpectedly can be especially difficult. Please know that love and positive energy is coming your way.

Anonymous said...

I do not pretend to know how you feel or that anything I can say could make you feel better, but just know that you are loved and that people all over the world are thinking of you <3

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain... I am sending love and caring thoughts from Scotland to you and to your dear friend who you loved so much xxx

Maureen said...

Sending you peace and love.

Jenna E said...

xoxoxoxoxxo Time will heal your pain. Again, I am so sorry for your loss :(

Anonymous said...

There is little harder in life than the loss of someone you love. Praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I can not pretend to understand how you are feeling with this loss in your life but I know what it is like to lose somebody close to me and know how heartbreaking that it is, I too lost a very dear friend at a young age but you must stay strong and use the Lord as your rock and he will get you through this tough time. God Bless you and stay strong.

annie.longwood said...

I know we've never met but I offer you a hug for the tender heartbreaking sense of sadness- A blanket to hide under because of the reality of the situation- and a punching bag for the anger and toxic emotions a loss like this stirs. I've been through it and the best thing is to be sure to connect w/other survivors. I pray you find the peace to begin to heal.

annie.longwood said...

I know we've never met but I offer you a hug for the tender heartbreaking sense of sadness- A blanket to hide under because of the reality of the situation- and a punching bag for the anger and toxic emotions a loss like this stirs. I've been through it and the best thing is to be sure to connect w/other survivors. I pray you find the peace to begin to heal.

Lovebomber said...

I can't imagine and I'm so sorry. Try to stay away from the "what if" and "should haves." She was dealing with something that you couldn't fight. We're pulling for you.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you must be feeling right now. I, too, have lost someone very special to me recently and am experiencing that feeling of numbness. The love of friends and family are helping me through it, and I hope we all can help you, too. Relish all your memories, celebrate the memories, and keep your love alive in living in the moment!
Hugs~n~love.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you! :)

Anonymous said...

I am very sorry for your loss. You will be able get through this, and it will get better eventually. Stay strong.
Love from Baltimore

Emily said...

Hi Kim-- you are amazing. Stay strong. :)

Anonymous said...

You are loved, you loved her and some questions have no answers. Sending peace and harmony to you....

M said...

Sending love and prayers to you during this most difficult time.

Anonymous said...

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Anonymous said...

Sending peace and many hugs your way...I know it's a very difficult time for you. Just a thought for the no so distant future...sometimes finding a way to honor the person you miss helps to keep them close in your heart. With much love and many prayers, Annonymous in PA...

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry about your friend. I am praying for you - that your light will remain strong and continue to shine from within, but that you will also allow yourself to grieve. Sometimes in life there are no answers, and I am praying for peace for you in one of these times.

cml said...

Wishing you peace and healing

Anonymous said...

Please know you are in my thoughts and my prayers.

Nik Cherwink said...

Kim, my heart goes out to you, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I know it must be hard right now, but it's times like these that make you grow stronger. There's light at the end of the tunnel and you're going to blossom from this experience. Keep your chin up kiddo, there's a whole world of love that's got your back :)

Anonymous said...

My best friend is my lifeline. I remember when she attempted suicide and called me to tell me she had taken pills. I felt my heart stop. She pulled through and got help, but it shook me to my core. When she was better and able to talk to me, I asked her why - she had a family, friends, so many people that loved her. She told me that it was something "beyond" those of us who loved her, and beyond all the things she had in her life she felt blessed with. My friend told me - and I'm sure your friend would say the same to you - that the love and good times you shared were the warm and happy spots in her life, in her heart and in her mind. This had nothing to do with you or with anyone who loved your friend. It breaks my heart to know the kind of pain you are in, and the kind of pain she felt, but know you helped make what was a difficult life for your friend that much better by your love.

Deb said...

Hello Kim,
I found you through Love Bomb. I too lost a dear friend through suicide. Some day you'll remember the good things, albeit with a lump in your throat. Sending light and lover your way.

princesslila said...

I'm so sorry - I can't even imagine something like this. Stay strong, dear.
Sending love<3

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you...

mary said...

Kim, I'm so sorry for your loss. As you process the loss, you will find her always in your heart and your wonderful memories.

"For each hour of your loneliness, I wish you a day of comfort; for each minute of grief, a year of peace; and for every tear, a thousand reasons to smile." – Anonymous

Anonymous said...

I am sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what it would be like to lose a best friend. Sending you lots of love, strength and hope...

Anonymous said...

Only time heals the heart, but we still have wonderful memories to fill that void. Try to focus as much on the positive memories so that the negative ones do not take over. Having lost someone close recently I understand it can be hard to see anything uplifting during a trying time, but there is diamond in every rough. I am sending my love and strength as you climb the mountain of grief.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Peace and love to you ((HUG)).

Square Peg said...

I've lost a couple of friends to suicide, and what I had to realize was that they succumbed to a disease, just as though they had cancer or a heart attack. That helped me deal with the losses.
They're still devastating, of course, but there's less of the blame game.

Sending you oceans of love through the aether, and hoping you find some measure of peace and comfort in the days and weeks to come.

Hope said...

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine coping with this. I'm praying for comfort for you and a focus on the good memories.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. There is no other type of loss that is more difficult to understand.

Several years ago a friend of mine committed suicide. I struggled with it for months. With time the loss became easier to bear - but I never did fully understand it. I finally came to the conclusion that he simply was not himself at the time.

You must in no way blame yourself or struggle with all the "what ifs." The loss itself is great enough to bear.

Stay strong. Remember the good times with your friend and keep them close to your heart.

Terry said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. There is no other type of loss that is more difficult to understand.

Several years ago a friend of mine committed suicide. I struggled with it for months. With time the loss became easier to bear - but I never did fully understand it. I finally came to the conclusion that he simply was not himself at the time.

You must in no way blame yourself or struggle with all the "what ifs." The loss itself is great enough to bear.

Stay strong. Remember the good times with your friend and keep them close to your heart.

Anonymous said...

sending you light. so much light right now!!! hugs, gen (lovebomb)

Anonymous said...

Sending you love and light during this difficult time in your life. I can't imagine what you must be going through but know that you are being held in many people's thoughts and prayers.

Rissa said...

“Quiet and sincere sympathy is often the most welcome and efficient consolation to the afflicted. Said a wise man to one in deep sorrow, ‘I did not come to comfort you; God only can do that; but I did come to say how deeply and tenderly I feel for you in your affliction." ---Tyron Edwards

I'm sorry for your loss. As my friends in Morocco say, tHllay f rask (ta ha lie ef raa sick..."take care of your head"). Sending you good vibes! Peace and love.

Anonymous said...

Praying for peace in your heart <3 Despite the pain, the hurt, the questions- keep your chin up through it all xx

ojash said...

Dear Kim,
Although words are little to describe what you are going through.... may have strength and faith to overcome your pain. your friend lives on through the memories you shared. Million miles away i extend my heart out to you with much love and compassion. Stay strong, keep rolling on !!
With Much Love
From billions out there to millions on the way!!

Anonymous said...

Dear soul, i am sending you lots of love during this rough time.
I've recently found this amazing story about young boy who also did suicide and how he stayed in touch with his family and friends even in afterlife...this story might help you in your grief http://www.channelingerik.com/about/
Never forget that you are never alone and always loved
xoxoxo
Petra

mama3davis said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had words to comfort you but know that you will be in my prayers.

Just me said...

I can't begin to imagine your pain. My heart is breaking for you; I'm so sorry for this loss. So, so much love coming your way <3

Anonymous said...

Sending you an abundance of love and light to help you get through this time. I am so sorry for your loss.

Cibele said...

I am so very sorry. Sending you much love and support. Know that you are not alone and many care about you!!!

Mister Smalls said...

The loss of a dear friend always makes the heart heavy. I'm sure she new how much you cared and loved her. Just try to remember the good times and know that all our hearts and preyers are with you and everyone who has a heavy heart from this.


We are here for you.

Mister Smalls said...

I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a friend in that way is hard on the heart and soul, but know that you are strong enough to live for you and your friend. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Jordan said...

I've followed your blog for a long time now but never commented. I really felt the need to say something now.

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your best friend. I think about you daily, hoping that you'll find peace in such a tragic situation. From what I've read over the years, you're a fantastic person who loves to learn, grow and love.. so I know that you'll be just fine. Jenn was lucky to have such a great friend in you. One can only hope to have a friend like you! Honestly. Your words about her blow me away; you can really tell how strongly you valued your friendship.

Anyways, I'm rambling. I hope that none of this sounds strange or anything. Just basically wanted to say that there are many thinking of you in this hard time!

Anonymous said...

Sending love! <3

Jace said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Know that people are sending you love from all over.

Jace from Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Connie said...

Earlier this year one of my best friend's friend took her own life as well, and even though I wasn't close to her I still felt the blow. You may be reeling with pain, but know that you can go on. You are not alone. You have the strength to continue and preserve her memory.

Wishing you the best.

dropalovebomb.com

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine what you are going through and my heart goes out to you. Please feel comforted knowing that you are in my thoughts and prayers and that you were the best friend you could have ever been to her and she knew that--and you know that in your heart. I am so sorry for your loss.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Sending love and healing thoughts to you at this incredibly sad time, look after yourself.x

lindsey anne said...

I'm so so incredibly sorry for your loss. I have no idea what it's like to lose a friend like that so I can't even imagine. Just know that there's so many people who care about you (even random people on the internet who've never even had the pleasure of meeting you!) and you'll never really be alone.

Christine Hansen said...

My heart hurts for you and Jennifer's family and friends, and I hope you'll continue to focus on the good memories. Be well, take extra good care of yourself, and know that you are loved.

As You Wish said...

(((hugs))) of strength and comfort for you...

Anonymous said...

i am so sorry, stay strong my best wishes are for you, my deepest condolances.

Cova said...

I cannot imagine what your going through. You and your dear friend will be in my prayers. Remember that Godnis always at our side to give us love and strength.
Receive lots of love!!!!!

pubentz said...

For everything bad that happens there is all ways something good that happeneds just around the corner. Stay strong.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Dear Kim,

You don't know me. I'm a stranger. I'd never heard of your blog until five minutes ago, when a friend tweeted a link to your blog saying you could use some loving comments. I don't usually go for sappy stuff, but something told me to click through.

Seven years ago, on February 10, 2005, my ex-boyfriend, Dave, took his own life when he hung himself from the rafters in his garage. The sign on the door said, "Don't come in. Call the police," a warning to his younger brother, who found him. In the days, weeks, & years that have followed that horrible day & our unspeakable loss, I have gone through all of the emotions - anger, grief, mourning, even jealousy - & I still have no answers. I know that Dave was sick, stuck in a dark place that he couldn't see his way out of. I know that Dave was not himself at the time of his death, that he was consumed by that unending darkness. I also know that of he'd seen it through, he would've found the light of life, the beauty of it, & he would've looked back on that darkness with a smile & lessons learned. Instead, he is perpetually 20, & I am perpetually the equivalent of his widow.

I know this can't help much right now, but I hope you'll take the time to read some of the things I've written in the wake of Dave's death, both about what I've learned of him & what I've learned of myself. The hardest thing, I think, when someone so close to you takes his or her own life is the void that is created when you realize that you're the only one in the world who possesses certain memories. The things you did together, the love & laughter you shared - the burden of remembering is all upon you, with no one to share the memories with & say "Remember when?"

If you ever want to talk, please email me. I'm at suburbansweetheart(at)gmail(dot)com, & I'm more than happy to listen. If Dave's death & my experience after it can help even one person make her way through a similar situation & find peace, I will know that this has all been part of a larger experience. Please know that someday, it won't feel as acute & heavy & horrific as it does at this moment - but it will never go away. I'm so sorry that you've joined this club, this survivors club, but please don't hesitate to reach out to me & others who have faced similar losses. No one should have to do what you're doing alone.

So much love,
Kate

Anonymous said...

Sending you hugs and good thoughts. I've never lost someone to suicide myself, but I've been on the other side of that mirror. When you're contemplating it, all you want is for the pain to stop. Nothing else matters. Now that I'm in a better place, I realize how much it would have mattered to others if I'd left this world like that. Please don't blame yourself for not seeing it coming.

You know the saying - "Life goes on"? It's always made me uncomfortable, as though it were said as a way of dismissing or invalidating pain and loss. As I've grown older, I realize that it's far more "zen" than that. It's meant to allow you to finally move forward once the pain subsides. It also means that when others stop grieving with you, it shouldn't be taken as a sign that they've forgotten your friend. They simply can't function from a place of sorrow forever. You will someday find that you have turned the corner as well. Nothing will take the pain away. You can, however, find a place for it to live, a pocket of sadness and longing that you carry with you but that no longer defines you or your life.

Best wishes to you, dear.

Sadie (sadiestumbles.tumblr.com)

Alyssa said...

I'm so, so sorry. Don't beat yourself up - there's no way you could have known, and nothing more you could have done - it's not your fault. She knew, and she still knows, that you love her, and she loved you just as much. Just focus on that, and slowly but surely you'll start to feel more okay. You'll always miss her, and always wish you could have stopped it, but these things happen without warning. She's still there, watching over you - just know that.

Anonymous said...

Kim, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you can remember all the good times and still feel the love in your heart that you shared. I will keep you in my prayers. Angie xxx

Kaleigh said...

Kim,

I cannot imagine how you must feel right now. The thought of losing my best friend is terrifying and I am sure you are grappling with it too. I hope you know that it will get better. Maybe not tomorrow or next week or next month, but you've got an army of us banding together to inspire you to stay strong and positive and let yourself heal, however that may be.

Kaleigh

Kate said...

Dear Kim,
I'm so sad for your loss. It's big. Know this - you are being prayed for, you and Jennifer's family. Know God loves you a whole, whole lot. He's going to help you through this, I have no doubt at all - because He's been there for me, and has helped me through my own loss.
Let healing happen within you, however long it takes to come.
Love.

frangepanni said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your best friend. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. Just know I'm sending out love and prayers to you at this difficult time.
xxx

Ladylinden said...

Hang in there luv. All is not lost. The world is full of possibilities that you can life out for the both of you! Let your love for her fuel your dreams and aspirations and know you have plenty of people behind you!

kmills27 said...

Sending you so much love and positive vibes! Keep her in memories close to heart, and remember you have your own very special guardian angel. <3

Anonymous said...

I don't know you or your friend. I found my way to your blog through the Love Drop group. But I've read through some of your posts, and I just wanted to say, my heart broke reading your words, and I can only guess at your pain right now. There's not much of anything that can make that pain easier on you, save for time really. And I hope you'll give yourself the time you need to remember and grieve for your best friend. She sounds like a truly beautiful and lovely person, and I'm sure there is an ocean's worth of incredible memories you have of her. Cling to them. They're a small comparison to actually having her, but they are still a part of her that you can keep.

I'll say a prayer for you and everyone else who's affected by her absence. I am so very sorry for you loss.

Kristi Harrison said...

I only came across your blog the other day and then read this post....So sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers with you. Someone told me once that the one's who love us, never really leave us. x

Briel79 said...

Ahh, all of your posts from February and March just showed up in my google reader today otherwise I would have commented sooner. I know I said a little something on twitter but once again I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. It's always hard when someone dies but probably more so when it comes out of nowhere and we can't make any sense of it. My thoughts continue to be with you in this time of pain and healing!

Laura C said...

I can't imagine what you're going through, but I am saying a prayer for you. I hope you are able to cherish the memories you had with Jennifer, and know that wherever she is, she knows how much you love her.

Anonymous said...

Í´m so sorry for your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you! Wishing you lots of strength!

Anonymous said...

I attempted suicide a few years ago because I didn't see the point of life. I thought "I can choose to never have one more unhappy second, ever again, all I have to do is make one little cut." I had a lot of happiness in my life, beautiful friends and family that always made me very happy, but everyone has some unhappiness and I didn't know how to handle it. Jennifer is free now and will never be unhappy again- it's you who must be strong and I send you as much support as I can!

Kylie said...

wow. this is amazing. so many people who care about you kimmy :) hope you are well. big hugs from ky fly!

Anonymous said...

keep strong!! Know that God is always with you; he will never leave you